Dancing With the Schwizz

Does This Mean I Get Calf Implants Now?

2009-03-02T12:26:00.002-05:00

Well, after 5 Years in lovely Hoboken, NJ and another 6 on the Upper East Side, I am embarking upon an adventure to Santa Monica, CA.

New adventures bring whole new observations, so I have decided to resurrect Dancing With the Schwizz as a forum for that is all California.

So I am now sittin at 36,000 feet on a great Virgin America flight that I snuck out on this morning in the middle of the "Storm of the Century" (Wi-Fi is amazing).

I think, since I am moving to a city with Saint in it's name, it is only fitting that I begin the reincarnation of this blog with my signature Top 5 of the Top 5 cities in California with the word Saint in it.

5. Santa Cruz- I mean any town that has a college with the nickname Banana Slugs gets my vote, plus it is close to the world famous Mavericks Big Surf site which is insane
4. San Luis Obispo - Home of Hearst Castle which is incredible
3. San Diego - Great Beach City with some amazing food, and great golf in Torrey Pines where they held the US Open. It also means "Whale's Vagina"
2. Santa Barbara - This is probably one of the wealthier cities in the area, and it is just an awesome place to hang out
1. Santa Monica - I mean, I'm living there, so it has to be the Tops, plus a great gastro pub called Father's Office is amazing

See you 3 hours earlier now.

The Schwizz

The Return of the Automat

2006-11-03T15:10:00.000-05:00

This place has been around for a couple of months now, but betwixed inbetween the head shops, tattoo parlors, and all around riff raff that is St. Marks Place sits this little gem called Bamn Foods. In true old school style it is the return of the automat with such delights offered like chicken fingers, mini-burgers, terryiaki chicken sandwich, pork buns, and my personal favorite, the soft serve green tea ice cream.

The concept is simple. Throw 8 quarters into the slot open the screen and pull out a delectable delight. Its fresh, innovative, and quite good. Not to mention, jackpot for the owners, and for the drunken folk that partake in the snacks when the place is open well into its 25th hour of the day.

In any event, I wanted to point this place out to everyone, and then suggest a couple other hot items that they might be able to squeeze into these slots.

5. Fish Sticks
4. Mini Cheese Calzone
3. Mozzerella Stix
2. Crabcake
1. Fried Dumplings or Wontons

Have a good weekend.

The Schwizz

Blogger Redux

2006-11-02T16:46:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since my last post, and I guess after all the shit that went down; me crawling into a bottle for 2 months, the North Korean nuclear test, and now Bob Barker retiring, it just hasn't been a happy time. I tried everything to keep the creative juices going, however it just wasn't there. So I holed up at a dark East Village bar, became an expert at Big Buck Hunter Pro, and got my life back together.

That being said, some inane ramblings that I have observed here in the city over the past several months:

1) New Yorkers don't know how to commute on a subway. Four words, "Move the Fuck In"
2) Is it me, or are those leggings that have become fashion forward again really not made for fat girls to wear
3) The Mets were a pretty damn good team this year, the Giants are on their way, and the Knicks are a train wreck that will make for some great reality television.
4) Pabst is the new Bud?, Patron is the new Grey Goose?, Rum is still just for faggy Pina Coladas, and umbrella drinks
5) Lost is still a kick ass show, and Prison Break is slowly trumping 24, until Jack Bauer saves us from The Alien attack season, which will be led by Tom Cruise, and a regenerated L. Ron Hubbard

So, in honor of coming back, and our most lovable guy, Bob Barker (remember to have your pets spaid or neuetered you sick man), a new Top 5 of your favorite game shows of old and new.

5. Deal or No Deal - Excitement, Odds, Hot Briefcase Girls, and Howie Mandel!!
4. Card Sharks - Higher, Higher, Lower, Higher, Now Freeeeeeeze!
3. Matchgame - Goldberg's Girlfriend is so fat....How fat is she??
2. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire - "Final Answer?" - Yes Assmunch
1. Press Your Luck - Look at those little monkeys Dancin around, No Whammeeees!

Til Next time.....The Schwizz

"Somebody's Got a Case of the Mundaze"

2006-06-26T07:56:00.000-05:00

Ahh, another glorious weekend in the rain soaked Northeast. The Mets took 2 of 3 from the Jays. the Yanks need to pick it up a little for this Subway Series thing to happen, Andy Irons won his event in Mexico with a sick 5 foot air of the lip of a 5 foot wave, Ukraine and Ghana are through to the second round, and England is going to have an epic match against Portugal this weekend.

In other news, Deadwood is an underrated show, Entourage gets better and better (I'll IM you late night babe, Ciao"), and one of the best movies that all should see is "Team America". For all the bitching and moaning and partisan politics in the world today, this is just a classic look at what a farce it all is. With all the classic lines, elaborate puppet sets, and Great Musical soundtrack, it just is top notch. One classic line:

"Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris: I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

Lastly, all who have XBox 360 should buy the Rockstar Games Ping Pong Game. It is awesome.

That's it for now.

The Final 16

2006-06-23T09:17:00.000-05:00

I just want to give everyone a little treat and a little recap today. The above photo is of our boy Andy Irons. He is currently competing in an ASP event in Mexico where they are battling the Final 16 today. If anyone is fascinated by those crazy surf videos, feel free to watch a little live all day today on your computer. Speaking of surfing, all should go to Ditch Plains in West Village. Excellent place.

Now onto the other Final 16. As predicted to everyone by The Schwizz, the USA met their demise yesterday to a fierce and fast Ghana team that was playing without two of its best players. Also, as predicted by The Schwizz, Ghana was the first of my two sleepers to move through to the second round. My other sleeper, Ukraine is playing right now and will move through with a tie.

Briefly on the USA. For one to think that the USA should even sniff the World #5 ranking, it is ludicrous. When your best player and lone striker only plays for Fulham (albeit a Premiership team), you just can't expect to have a good tourney. I mean, Ghana's best player plays for Chelsea, South Korea has a guy on Man U, Ivory Coast has players on Top Teams, and Brazil has bench players that start for La Liga squads.

The Czechs are great, but a disappointment, Italy played lazy against us, and Ghana is legitimately good. If not for a second round match up with Brazil, they had a shot to sniff the QF's. Bottom line, the US is a nice squad, but they don't have the foot skills, nor the speed to match up with these full squad clubs in the World Cup. A fresh legged Eddie Johnson (the supposed fastest player for the US, couldn't even beat out a tired out Ghanian (sic) player in the 75th minute yesterday.

So therefore, it brings us to some amazing matchups in the second round. Because there are only 8, my Top 3 Round of 16 games.

3. Argentina v. Mexico - this will be hard fought, but the boys in powder blue will take it
2. Germany v. Sweden - Sweden has the squad to upset the hosts, should be a phenomenal game
1. Portugal v. Netherlands - could be the match of the tournament if not for a Brazil v. Spain potential QF matchup

Lastly, I want to giuve a shout out to the New York Mets. Toasty Joe is doing a meticulous job of his analysis of this year. Bottom line, these guys are fantastic, and they are fun to watch. So for all those Mets fans, don't get too greedy and have a lot of fun and drink a lot of beers while riding these guys to the playoffs. And to all the Yankees fans, see you in the Subway Series in October. Now that will be fun.

Schwizz

The Day is Finally Upon Us

2006-06-09T08:24:00.000-05:00

Yes, while many of us sit on our couches or barstools watching boring basketball or discussing the merits of the 5oth game of the Major League Baseball season, there is something upon us today that gets me very excited. No, its not those awesome teen dramas that they keep pumping out on the likes of WB and Fox, but the 2006 World Cup.

For many of you, you couldn't tell me who this guy was on this page right now, but you can check this out and see that he is pretty damn good. In fact, he is the best player in the world right now. Ronaldinho, leading a squad from Brazil that is sure to entertain and delight us.

You see, it is widely known that the World Cup will draw a cumulative worldwide audience of 30 billion people this year, with about 1 billion just watching the final on TV. Compare that with the Super Bowl (93 million), and it just absolutely dwarfs it.

So, this is my suggestion. Take time out of your busy schedules of work and debating the merits of trading Lastings Milledge or whether Jeter being out might hurt the Yankees, and watch a little World Cup. You'll be a better person for it. Hell, ABC, ESPN, ESPN2 is playing every match, so it is hard to miss this time around.

And that brings to me my new and improved Top 4. We're revising it to rank the Winner through 4th place at this year's World Cup.

4. Sweden - my dark horse sleeper, they've been there before
3. Argentina - they are terrific, but don't think they have all the horses
2. Germany - they've got the goalkeeping, and they should have Ballack back, are the hosts
1. Brazil - really went out on a limb here which means they will lose, but how can you not pick these guys. Just look at the damn roster

Sleepers - Ukraine, Ghana

Two hours and 15 minutes to kickoff, get ready.

The Gummy Revolution

2006-05-30T12:52:00.000-05:00

In one of my many completely inane conversations while boozing my way around Cape Cod this weekend, it was queried by one of my compadres if the Gummy Bear had actually started what we coined "The Gummy Revolution".

He thought clearly the "bear" was the predecessor to all that we know as Gummy. The worm, coke bottle, ring, were all just mere afterthoughts compared to that lovable gooey piece of gelatin ursus.

Thus spawned a debate of when the bear was even made and when could have the Revolution began. It was even suggested that the Swedish Fish could have started the Revolution. Well, we all know that the Fish is only quasi-gummy and that it couldn't have even come close to rewriting history along those lines.

After a careful examination of the facts, or those loose interpretations from whomever wants to post on wikipedia, I have determined that Bears could have never started a Gummy Revolution since they were the founding fathers of the Gummy World. If anything, there could be a war between Gummy Bears and Swedish Fish since they were produced at about the same time.

Therefore, I think the only logical conclusion would be that the Gummy Worm started the Revolution since it was the first product after the Bear. As one can see we now have everything from Gummy Hamburgers to French Fries. This was clearly a response to the Worms being established. It is clear that the worm and its production company Trolli are totally responsible for the outbreak of Gummy.

However, the Bear will always be the George Washington of Gummy. I mean there was a cartoon show made after them for god's sake. So I guess the question of the day becomes, what is it, Gummy Or Swedish Fish?

The Schwizz

A Thursday In Blogdom

2006-05-25T07:48:00.000-05:00

So I will admit that I did watch part of American Idol last night and I have to say it was really scary when Seacrest Out told the audience that they received something like 64.5 million votes, which was more than any US President in history has EVER received. Maybe instead of having the Idols tour, they should just place the 12 finalists in the Cabinet for the last 1.5 years of Bush's term. I mean it might be cool to have Katherine McPhee as the Secretary of Energy.

Alright, I am all for series creating more drama to keep it going, but the season finale of Lost? This is just too much for one to handle. If you haven't watched you recording yet, good luck with all of that. More and more stuff keeps getting piled onto this neverending mindf***. In any event, it is one of thebest shows on TV, outside of Moesha and 7th Heaven.

I was noticing yesterday while heading out to a lunch that it is once again summer intern season. Ahhh, the time of girls and boys, that now look like they are 15, running out for coffee and packages, looking like a deer in headlights on some country road in rural Virginia. That being said, if anyone has any good summer internship stories, please feel free to share.

Quick word about the Yankees and Mets. Both are good teams, and both will be going to the Subway series. Then all the quabbling will be settled between the white collars and the blue collars. Of course, Yankee fans will now be saying the Mets had to go out and get a Yankee retread to revamp their starting pitching. Now almost every intro song at Mets game will be
the Merengue.

This weekend marks the first holiday weekend of the spring. A time for grilling, swilling, and all around debauchery. I will be headed on my annual trip to Cape Cod, and will have a recap of all the festivities on my return.

That brings us to today's debate. Which is better, Memorial Day weekend, Fourth of July weekend, or Labor day weekend. While many may knee jerk to the 4th, I reckon there are pros and cons to all.

Quickies- (and a monkey knife fight)

2006-05-11T09:17:00.000-05:00

Today, for lack of creativity, I've decided to share with you, my dear reader, some of the tidbits I have come across on my perilous travels through the world wide web.

First, from our European friends, a nice article about the marketing practices of the world's oldest profession.

A brothel has become the first in Berlin to offer special deals for virgins with prostitutes trained in the delicate art of catering for customers who have never had sex, a German newspaper reported Friday.

The brothel in the red light area of the Kreuzberg district of the city charges 60 euros for a half an hour of sex and works within the laws of Germany where prostitution is legal. - Reuters

Next, I'd like to share with you a sign that Hollywood suffers from the same lack of creativity that I do... but I don't mind so much because it means that I get to watch cheese like this:

KNIGHT RIDER to ride into a new Dimension on the Silver Screen!

Next, I need to share with you an article about the classiest people in the world- the radio station DJ (particularly the hip hop variety). I mean we all know about the great work they have done in promoting gang violence, but now they are tackling a really important topic- pedophilia. Here is my favorite quote from a spectacular NY Post article (I know that using spectacular to describe the Post is redundant, forgive me)

"When a man says that he would like to tinkle in the mouth of your little girl and ejaculate on her face - that will make any mother extremely frightened,

I don't know how many of you have read Maddux's site, I find it hilariously offensive. Anyway, he is coming out with a book called"How to be a man".

"The Alphabet of Manliness" soared to No. 1 on Internet retailer Amazon.com's list of top sellers on March 28 and remained there for a few days. Three weeks later, it was still the top book on pre-order on the site, said Brad Parsons, a senior books editor at Amazon.com. The book comes out June 6.

Then again, almost nothing about the book could be described as traditional. The content is a sort of dictionary of male bravado -- "F" is for Female Wrestling, "N" is for Chuck Norris.

And to end my little non-creative post... a picture of an old timey monkey knife fight...

Tuesday Banter

2006-05-09T07:41:00.000-05:00

For the record, we submitted Hulk Hogan for Dancing With the Stars Season 3. We'll hear next week so stay tuned. Who wouldn't want to see some 6-7 dude just throwing around some 5-3 ballroom chick like a Raggedy Ann Doll. Now that's entertainment. "Whoops, I threw her through the Tympany".

Also, feel free to comment on any pro athletes you would want to see on Spike TV's Pros vs. Joes second installment. I have already told Jay Dougal to submit an audition tape.

Anyone catch US Paintball Championships on ESPN? I don't know what's worse, this, or watching paint dry. "Look, shoot him!"

Tequila is bad for you, as is Bon Jovi karaoke.

I suggest one TIVO Robot Chicken on Sunday nights on Cartoon Network. I stumbled across this little gem I guess after forgetting to change the channel after watching Muppet Babies, but it is pretty damn funny.

Pearl Jam is a really frickin good band. My buddy got to see them after Letterman last week and then at Irving Plaza. Talk about lucky. I guess you get to go to those things when you have a throw pillow that is bedazzled with Eddie Vedder's face on it. That being said, I really like Pearl Jam and I would always want to go see them on concert. Which brings us to our new Top 5. What are the Top 5 bands out there today you would always pay to go see.

5. Robert Randolph - these guys tear the roof off the place
4. Bruce Springsteen - while i dont own a lot of his stuff he plays for like 6 hours and never quits, always a good show
3. Dave Matthews - always good for a great show, and crowd always filled with cute girls
2. Pearl Jam - they kill it always, and are so unpredictable (Vedder scaling the lights at MSG one year)
1. U2 - they always rock for 2+ hours and you never want to leave your seat

Schwizz

Best Sushi Ever

2006-05-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

I did a whole west coast swing last week (Ben Kingsley passed on the project), and visited for the second time, what could be the best sushi place I have ever eaten at. It might be some of the best sushi in the country. the plkace is called Zushi Puzzle . That isn't me in the picture, but gives you a small idea of this tucked away restaurant located in the Marina area of San Francisco (Lombard between Buchanan and Webster).

As I have told everyone, if you like sushi and don't go to this place when you are in SF, you are really just missing the boat. Chef Roger goes to the market himself every (he said his last day off was last March) and makes some of the tastiest creations I have ever had in my life. In addition regulars have and design their own sake boxes, and Roger likes to play a game on the weekends called Wasabi Roulette where each person sitting at the bar gets a piece of a roll. One of the pieces has a huge ball of wasabi in it, and whoever gets it also gets to do a shot of Sake.

This place is everything a sushi place should be, and I suggest everyone should go, and tell Roger Josh from New York sent you.

In other news, there has been some scuttlebutt about the recent restructuring of the blog. Sometimes, as we say in the business, there are too many chefs in the kitchen. I do believe that Yes Joe has started an excellent blog of his own, and you should continue to also visit toastedjoe

Lastly, I found this response to the Lazy Sunday video from some west coasters called Lazy Monday

That being said, I think it si time for a new Top 5 of your favorite Saturday Night Live characters

5. Eddie Murphy's Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
4. Tracy Morgan's Brian Fellows
3. Joe Piscopo's Frank Sinatra
2. Jon Lovitz's Michael Dukakis
1. Will Ferrell's Anything, but really George W. Bush

I know there are many out there, so feel free to give it a whirl.

Easter peeps and other abominations

2006-04-19T08:54:00.000-05:00

I got inspired to write this one last night, after The Schwizz and But I Want One Now! raided the Easter candy stash that the Flitgirl and I brought back from PA this past weekend. In fact, Sonny got so excited, we had to pack him a doggy bag full of marshmallow peeps to take back to Strong Island. (Apparently he got a little TOO excited, as evidenced by this picture of him taken later that night). With that in mind, what are your top 3 WORST and BEST Easter candies?

WORST:

1. Peeps, peeps, peeps. Dear lord, peeps. No more!
2. Black jelly beans. Inexplicably, everyone who was in my apartment last night loves these but me. How can that be? I've been tossing these in the garbage for over 30 years.
3. Little chocolate bunnies with a dark chocolate truffle center. I've been passing these off to Flitgirl. Too damn rich.

BEST:

1. Cadbury creme eggs, creme eggs, creme eggs! Dear lord, more eggs! Don't stop!
2. These little eggs made of chocolate with krispies (almost like a Krackle! bar in little egg form). Flitgirl made fun of me for thinking they were supposed to be little footballs. ("They're EGGS!")
3. Not sure what they're called, but they're these little unwrapped malted eggs with a semi-hard shell. Those were the first to go once I got my basket.

Merry Easter to all!

New Contest

2006-04-18T13:31:00.000-05:00

Alright. Enough about the Mets. they have started the season well, and they actually look like they are playing like a team. But it is still early in the season, so we'll see what happens.

Now, onto my trip yesterday. yes, it was a business trip, and I got to go to Patriots Day in Boston and get on the field at Fenway. Although all Boston Fans look inbred, Fenway truly is an awesome stadium.

If you read the papers, then you would know about the walkoff homerun for the Red Sox. they sent me this picture, and I thought it was so clear that you could write a caption for almost every Red Sox player. And how about the argument that ensued in the bottom left corner between the pitcher that gave up the homerun and the Red Sox thrid base coach.

With that, I say, get creative and do your worst Yankee Fans and Red Sox haters.

Schwizz

Hi, McDev! It's Time For Yet Another Mets Post

2006-04-18T09:05:00.000-05:00

Well, you knew this was coming. 10-2, best record in the majors, and, by far my favorite stat, the only team in major league HISTORY to build a 5 game lead after 12 games. The '98 Yankees? No, of course we're talking about the M-E-T-S, METSMETSMETS. Yep, it's only April, but how would last year have turned out if the Mets had started 5-0 instead of 0-5?

Actually, the true reason for this post is not to talk about Xavier Nady (is he really this good?), Carlos Delgado (might be the most consistent slugger the Mets have ever had) or Duaner Sanchez (Jae who?). No, it's to post the brand-spanking-new reprehensible Mets team song. I only got through about 5 seconds of this abomination before I had to turn it off. If you get through more than that, god bless you. This makes the 1986 song ("Let's Go Mets, GO!") seem like something off of Abbey Road. Why do teams insist on putting things like this out there? Although I must say, I used to get really hyped up by the "GO NY GO NY GO" song at the Garden back in the early 90's - you know, back when they had a basketball team playing there.

It's All Good Friday!

2006-04-14T16:44:00.000-05:00

Not unlike the great Frank Costanza, I have decided to invent a new holiday. Yes, it's "It's All Good Friday." Unlike Festivus, there is no pole or airing of grievances. No, to celebrate It's All Good Friday, all you need is a little beer, a lot of baseball, and maybe a J-Date or two. Hence, The Schwizz, Maybe I Can Help and yours truly will be imbibing at the Back Page around game time. (I dare not say the name of the team we'll be watching -- a certain team with the best record in baseball -- lest I offend MCDevlin's delicate, feminine ears). Be there or be uncool. It's a Festivus MIRACLE!

My Triumphant Return

2006-04-07T09:10:00.000-05:00

Wow, It's been over 2 months since I've authored a post. Since then, we've learned that Holzer looks like some American Idol dude + DAG, sausage bread is good in small quantities, anonymous posters annoy us, and Dev has a huge hard-on for Mets fans.

As some of you know, I've been on the road quite a bit. My travels have taken me to Vegas on many occasions for business, weddings, and the occasional binge weekend. Having just returned from a stay at the Wynn, today I come to you bearing the gift of list of my top 6 (five is too few) favorite things about a part of Vegas that is the polar opposite of where I was staying... and highly underrated; Freemont Street.

6- Toothless strippers with scars that may or may not be from bullets

5- $5 frozen blender drinks that (for an extra $2) have a few shots of Everclear in addition to whatever base alcohol is involved in the drink

4- Old school dealers with greased back hair and perfectly manicured moustaches telling you dirty jokes while you play $3 blackjack

3- $3 craps with 10x odds

2- The bad-ass muthah fuckin' feeling you get while gambling with people that are stuck in some tripped out version of the movie Casino; all the while knowing that they have probably broken someone's legs at some point in their lives.

1- The no-limit poker table at Binion's... sure it's lost some of it's appeal since it was bought by Harrah's, but it still is the poker Holy Land.

I'll be back out there again in 2 weeks for work... and then, against my better judgement, possibly again in August

Oh, by the way, according to the sports book at the Wynn, the over /under for Mets wins this year is 91... The same for the Yanks is 100. Just an FYI for those looking to make some bets.

Painful Wednesday

2006-04-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

Yikes, not a good night for the good guys out at Shea. On the positive side of the ledger, Bannister was quite impressive until his gopher ball to Johnson, and A-Hern's catch in the 8th was among the best plays I've ever seen by a second baseman not named Jose Lind. Wagner's 9th, while highly upsetting, doesn't disturb me too much - it's gonna happen from time to time when you've got a power pitcher on the hill. I doubt it's going to be a pattern with a proven closer like him. No, the most aggravating things about the game were (1) Beltran's pathetic at bat in the first inning - could he look more clueless at the plate?; and (2) the fact that Jorge Julio is a pathetic piece of crap who makes Mel Rojas look like Goose Gossage. I was ok with trading Anna Benson, but for Christ's sake, that's all we could get? Let the Schwizz pitch in the 10th and you'll get a better result.

And if this "Enter Sandman" story doesn't die soon, I'm gonna go ballistic. Four days now. I blame those two idiots on WFAN for blowing this non-story up to epic proportions on Monday afternoon (of course, maybe I'm the idiot for listening to them every day at work- but WFAN during the baseball season is like crack to me). It's a SONG. Who gives a %^@#@. No one is saying that Wagner is as good as Mo. Period.

Finally, you may be asking yourself why I have a picture of The Big Hurt teeing off on Kyle Farnsworth last night when this whole post was about the Mets/Nats game. Screw you, it's my post.

Mildly Interesting Celebrity Sightings

2006-04-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

So I got home from work about 9:30 pm last night, only to find those movie trailer trucks parked up and down Second Avenue. My doorman tells me they're shooting something called "Train Wreck," and sure enough, I can pretty much see the whole thing from my terrace. So, The Flitgirl and I broke out my ancient Bar Mitzvah-present binoculars, and we spot a scruffy Seann William Scott and a surprisingly non-portly Jeff Garlin (from Curb Your Enthusiam) milling about with the extras in front of The Comic Strip Live. Then we get to watch from above as they shoot some scenes, including one scene where a rather, um, not-unattractive female (remember, Flittie is reading this) struts into the bar from the sidewalk. Pretty neat stuff. There's barely any info on IMDB for this one yet, but based on what we saw, I'm not exactly expecting Schindler's List.

On another note, tell me this hasn't been classic A-Fraud in the first two games of the season. Goes off, including a grand slam, in a 15-2 blowout, and then leaves everybody and their mother stranded on base in a tight 4-3 loss. Love it, love it, love it.

It's Great...To Be....A Florida Fan....

2006-04-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

One last shout-out to Brother Bookie: Best of luck tonight! The good news is that now I can really root for the Gators. I must confess I got swept up in the Cinderella angle, and was sort of pulling for Mason on Saturday (don't hate me). But now that they're out of the way, I hope you pound that idiot Bill Walton's squad into oblivion. For luck, here's one more picture of your boy.

Priceless Picture of the Day

2006-03-30T14:29:00.000-05:00

Bookie D sent me this great picture today, which is simply crying out to be posted on this blog. My question to you all is this: Which of these three athletes wasted the most talent? I'll have to go with Straw. The guy had one of the sweetest swings I've ever seen, monstrous power, and could run like a deer. Coulda been a cross between Ted Williams and a pre-'roids Barry Bonds. Truly depressing what happened to him.

Baseball's Back (Almost)!

2006-03-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, it's almost that time again (finally) - baseball returns on Monday when the Mets host the Nats. This, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with the picture, which I provide for the benefit of Bookie (go Gators!).

In any event, I wanted to know what people really think about the Mets' chances this year. I'm not terribly concerned about second base -- we need a decent glove there, and Kaz will still be buried by June in favor of Hernandez, I predict -- or the batting order, which I think will work itself out. No, the issue, as always, is starting pitching. We somehow managed to go from a record surplus in starting pitching in '05 to a record deficit in '06 (forgive the political analogy), basically giving away Kris Benson and Jae Seo for bupkes. Here's hoping Bannister emerges, Pedro stays healthy, Zambrano finds himself, and Heilman doesn't whine about being in the pen. That's asking an awful lot. The pen should be solid especially if Heilman stays there and Julio is relegated to mop-up duty.

What do the rest of you think? I know Sonny's predicting a 15-win season, but I'll predict 90-72, second place in the NL east, and wild card winners. Yes, I've learned my lesson, and I am NOT picking against the Braves ever again, no matter who's on that team. As Joe B said on WFAN, you could put nine blind men in Braves uniforms and they'd beat the Mets.

YJIT

Tuesday Night Musings

2006-03-21T21:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, I just heard a rap song on Music Choice by The BackWudz which sampled "I don't like the look of it" from the Oompa Loompas of Willy Wonka fame. Say what you want about rap, but these playas are creative.

Can someone agree with me that every pharmacy in New York has the slowest and longest lines of any stores in New York? It doesn't matter. CVS, Rite Aid, Duane Reade all are like entering a doctors waiting room where you sit there for like 30 minutes and all you can read are 3 year old issues of RedBook. I walked by my local CVS at 840 tonight and there was a line of like 8 people. One could solve the unemployment problem by just hiring people for the drug stores in NYC.

Is it a prerequisite that every movie store rental employee has to be some high school drama student reject who just dorks out about any movie ever made? I just was in a movie store where I listened to this guy go into a 5 minute solioquy (sp) about how Natalie Portman's role in Vendetta was her best since closer. I then had to listen him tell me how the new Harry Potter had much more action adn was much darker than the other ones after I just asked if it was pretty good.

I think we may have already mentioned this, however I think the Sleuth channel could be the best rebranding on TV ever, outside of The Nashville Network's transformation into Spike. I mean what other channel allows you to view reruns of Miami Vice, Simon and Simon, A-Team, and Knight Rider. These are classics of our time. Now we just need a Magnum PI marathon.

And to follow up on Joe's fine post on Grey's Anatomy, it brings us to a new top 5 of most annoying chick shows on TV over the years.

5. Aly McBeal & Felicity - tied although I give the edge to mcBeal since that chick was not hot and the Felicity was smokin.
4. Gillmore Girls - shoot me
3. Desperate Housewives
2. Will & Grace - if Debra Messing got naked this show might be cool
1. Sex and the City - I think I just threw up in my mouth

Be Gone, Grey's Anatomy!

2006-03-21T10:29:00.000-05:00

I've tried to suppress it, I've tried to live with it, but there's no holding back any longer: I despise "Grey's Anatomy," and I don't care who knows it. Why is this show - which, unfortunately, the Flitgirl LOVES - so awful? Several factors are at play here:

(1) I Cannot Accept Any Show In Which Patrick Dempsey Is The Resident "Hunk." I mean, we're talking about Ronald Miller here, people. Not to mention the guy from "Loverboy." And people on the show are calling him "McDreamy"? Unacceptable.

(2) It Has An Irritating Faux-Sex-And-The-City Narration By An Equally Irritating Lead Actress. Another huge problem. One "Sex And the City" was bad enough. But now we have to endure an hour-long version with the same phony-"deep" moments of self-reflection by the star about the episode's events? "And just like that...life can surprise you." Hey at least Sarah Jessica's character had an excuse - she was supposed to be a writer. Who the hell is this dummy talking to? And by "this dummy," I mean the actress I once referred to as "the chick from 'Old School'," and who I now refer to as "that corpse-like annoying talentless chipmunk from 'Grey's Anatomy.'"

(3) It Has A Bland, Inoffensive, Adult-Contemporary VH1-Friendly Soundtrack. Every 30 seconds, the show breaks into some banal, adult-contempo song, which is bad enough - but the show makes you listen to the equally banal lyrics for minutes at a time, which I guess are supposed to have some deep meaning to the storyline. I finally figured out the meaning last night as the Flitgirl was watching an episode: We suck!

(4) It Telegraphs Each And Every Storyline So That A Retarded Person Could See Where It's Going. This one really kills me. Now, please note, many shows are guilty of telegraphing. Heck, even the Sopranos makes a practice about hinting at what's to come (see, e.g., Christopher and the middle-eastern guys last week). But there's a big difference between hinting and essentially holding up a big sign that says "THIS WOMAN IS AN UNGRATEFUL DAUGHTER WHO WILL LEARN HOW MUCH HER FATHER MEANS TO HER IN THE END," for example. Why watch the whole episode when you can realize what's gonna happen in the first five minutes?

Well, that just about sums it up. Unfortunately, I have many years of "Grey's Anatomy" in my future, considering how big a fan the Flitgirl is. However, I have hit upon a fine solution: Flee to the bedroom after the Sopranos, lock the door, and crank up ITunes. Thank god for one-bedroom apartments.

YJIT

Looney Tunes

2006-03-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

There is this cool site I have been reading lately called www.deadspin.com it has a lot of good sports snectdotes and amusing stories. Well today they provided a link to a funny story about the Bugs Bunny Baseball game Cartoon that I thought was pretty good. Give it a read.

Oooo, girl....

2006-03-10T16:48:00.000-05:00

My rant for today is about a new, appallingly bad TV ad for Carmel Car Service. Please tell me you've all seen this one (if not, clearly you don't watch NY1 as much as I do). Allow me to set the scene:

SCENE: An outdoor cafe in Manhattan. Four attractive, early-30-something women are discussing in earnest tones what sounds like the perfect man, a sexual dynamo, who is apparently dating all four of them.

WOMAN #1: He comes when I call him.

WOMAN #2: He takes me out to dinner!

WOMAN #1 (seductively): He takes me to the theater...

WOMAN #4: I LOVE the theater!

WOMAN #3: He takes ME to the airport!

WOMAN #1 (excited): That's HUGE!

WOMAN #4 (even more seductively): Sometimes...he just takes me home at night.

WOMAN #2 (apparently aroused): Oooh, girl...

That's it. That's the ad. Now, I have more than a few problems with this, but here's the biggest one: I understand what they were going for. It sounds like they're all talking about a man who does romantic, sexy things, but, ha ha ha, they're actually talking about a limo driver. I get it. But the sequence is all screwed up. I think it would've worked better if the airport "gag" is the last one. So, the tension would've been building (...out to dinner...), and building (...to the theater...), and ready to explode (...home at night...), and then, finally, when we can take no more tension: "He takes ME to the airport!" BWWAMMMP BWAAAMMMM....(trombone music). But, no. The ad-wizards at Carmel put the airport gag smack dab in the middle, where it makes no sense. So, when you hear Woman #4 talking about being taken "home at night," you already KNOW she's talking about a limo driver, as opposed to some mysterious dinner-eating, theater-going super-stud who's gonna hump the fillings out of her teeth.

Discuss.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

2006-03-08T10:52:00.000-05:00

Well, we took what looks like to be a new annual golf trip this past week where we went to sunny Naples, FL where the beer flows like wine and the catheters and cadillac devilles are a plenty.

It was a great time. We played seven rounds of golf in five days. My fingers hurt, but my team wound up winning the inaugural Jim Beam Boot.

We also went to a fantastic sports bar called Foxboro . You wouldn't believe the bar appetiezer menu at this place. Everything from stix, to skins, to poppers, to wigns, to dillas, to buffalo shrimp, to EVEN mini corn dogs.

In any event, I came across this stunning picture of our buddy MCDEV, and thought it was appropriate for a caption contest.

Let's get some good one's up for this one.

They are real! And they are fantastic!

2006-03-07T10:46:00.000-05:00

No, it's not that. But this is pretty cool if you haven't seen it. Now how come we didn't think of doing that?

Baseball Fever!

2006-03-06T11:56:00.000-05:00

Yes, after a lengthy hiatus, DANCING WITH DA SCHWIZZ is back and psyched as ever for the upcoming baseball season. Perhaps not as psyched as Jeter and A-Fraud, as evidenced by this picture. Methinks it's time for a new caption contest. Who can beat these?

(a) Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez re-enact a scene from "Brokeback Mountain" for their teammates.

(b) "Hey Alex, why do I get the Heimlich when you're the big choker?"

(c) "C'mon, Derek... Cecil Fielder told me you used to be able to take 10 inches!"

(d) Jeter and A-Rod reveal demonstrate special "Yankee" squeeze play for rookies.

Holzer + DAG = American Idol

2006-02-24T16:01:00.000-05:00

I have this bad habit (or amazing gift, however one may look at it) of looking at some people, and finding the similarities in facial appearances of other people, very similar to what Conan does with his "If they had a kid" skit. Also, ESPN page 2 has "Here's Looking at You" where they post 2 pictures of someone in the sport world, with some other celebrity (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=looking/index). Anyway, I'm watching American Idol, which since I now live in the burbs is a strictly enforced rule, and one of the contestants reminded me of someone...Here's the picture of the Idol contestant, Giddeon McKinney:

Immediately, I knew this guy had a familiar looking face (and dance moves). The first thought that came to mind, was David Alan Grier, of In Living Color and Jumanji fame, pictured below.

But that wasn't it. There was still something missing. Then it hit me. Giddeon was a cross between David Alan Grier, and ....

That's right. If Holzer and Grier had a love child, it would certainly be Giddeon McKinney.

Now that I got that out of the way, it's back to staring at the picture below.

New Caption Contest

2006-02-22T11:56:00.000-05:00

Since there was clamoring for it, I thought we could have this week's caption contest with this photo from Sestriere, Italy.

Bonjourno and Ciao!

2006-02-21T12:24:00.000-05:00

Well the Schwizz is back from an interesting week in Italy, and I must say, it was quite the circus that I expected it to be. You don't sleep much, you eat a lot of salted cured meats and cheeses, and stuff your face with Pasta and Red Wine/Beer at odd hours.

I will say the Italians have it down. They really just march to a different drum. If they feel like closing up shop for an hour during the day, they just do it. If they want to add a techno beat to any song they feel like it, they do it (think Phantom of the Opera meets Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah).

The Olympics were chock full of celebs doing shots and dancing/partying. We were able to spend some time with Miss March 2002, who definitely had a hard time keeping up with the other young models she was toting around with. We were able to party with Tom Green who is every bit as weird as everyone thinks. And we were able to see the first daughter having a little too much fun in the mountains of Sestriere.

So with the Olympics going on still, today is my Top 5 things I like about Italy.

5. Marvin Hagler became a movie superstar here
4. No one checks your train ticket, yet everyone still buys one
3. You can buy beer in two packs...i think that is cool
2. The coffee bars are excellent. You can drink the coffee or beer at 10am. Dealers Choice
1. All the girls that wear tiny little nose rings. Its fascinating.

So know I will try to stop thinking everything is 6 hours ahead and get back on schedule. As they say, when in Rome. i still don't know what that means.

Cohagen, Give the People Aiyeyererer

2006-02-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

I'm on my way to the dentist today, and thought about having to sit in that chair and have them rip into my mouth. Next thing I'm thinking about is the chair that Arnold sits in for Total Recall. So, my next thought is the title, thanks to YJIT for his love for the phrase. So, what are your favorite Arnold quotes?

5 - It's not a tumah

4 - Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.

3 - Title reference

2- C'mon..Keel mee...I'm heeah...Do it noawww...

1- Get yaw ass to mahhhhsss!!

Mustache Party Update!

2006-02-14T16:25:00.000-05:00

We have just learned that, contrary to popular belief, two wayward members of our group did in fact attend a mustache party last weekend. However, it was a private party with a guest list of two. Nevertheless, an intrepid papparazzi was able to snap this picture before getting forcibly ejected from the premises.

Mustaches A-Poppin'!

2006-02-13T10:17:00.000-05:00

As was predicted in this space on Friday, it was certainly a busy weekend indeed: Oatmeal Cookie shots, Mustache Parties, bridal registries, 2 feet of snow, and, as an added bonus, Dick Cheney shot someone (can't wait for the Fox News angle: "Lawyer Involved in Theft of Cheney's Buckshot" -- or, "Cheney Makes Ammunition Donation to Local Supporter"). Perhaps others will post their own recaps of their weekends - I know The Schwizz will have some interesting things to say from Turino based on his text message to me on Saturday night. Something about Barbara Bush, Miss May 2002, jello shots, and a jacuzzi. One only hopes he was referring to the YOUNG Barbara Bush.

In any event, onto the real purpose of this post: Mustache pics! Please enjoy them and let me know if you want me to e-mail you the whole set (if you haven't already seen them). Also, feel free to leave a comment noting how incredibly sexy, sleazy, and/or gay we all looked.

YJIT

Busy Weekend Preview Post

2006-02-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Well, it's going to be quite a crazy weekend for the members of Dancing With the Schwizz (f/k/a City Vue, f/k/a The Schwizz). Here's a brief preview of what to expect.

The Schwizz: Heading out to Torino (or is it Turin? Or Turino?) tonight. We expect a busy weekend of tappin', crappin', and textin'. With possibly some sticks and skins thrown in for good meausure. Although I heard a rumor that if you ask for mozzarella sticks in Italy, you get thrown in prison. We expect a full recap of his weekend to be posted on Dancing With The Schwizz in due course.

But I Want One Now!: Continues and concludes his week-long, whirlwind tour of Europe, including Paris, and, um, well Paris, and Paris. A team of reporters will be dispatched to Plainview on Sunday evening to monitor the status of his bowels after a full week of eating nothing but steak and fries.

Maybe I Can Help: Honestly, I can't remember what he's doing this weekend, but I seem to recall he's out of town. I do know he's now entering Day 25 of his cold, so hopefully whereever he is, there will be lots of rest, recouperation and stryufadell to be had.

Yes, Joe, It's Toasted: Last but not least, Yes Joe has a busy weekend planned. Tonight: Hit up that bar everyone who's anyone has been talking about, Barcelona Bar, and avoid the Darth Vader shots at all costs. Rumor has it there will be a guest appearance from the great APU and maybe, just maybe, Maybe I Can Help will make a showing as well. Tomorrow: The reason I've been growing this cursed goatee for the past month -- Yes, it's the Third Annual Mustache Party at Bourbon Street, which I believe Bookie D will be attending. Yes, I'll be sure to post some pics on Sunday. For the nostalgic, I've posted a pic from last year's party here. Finally, Sunday: The Flitgirl and I have a 10:30 am appointment at Crate and Barrel to register. That's right, register. Jeez, I guess I really am getting married. Imagine that. There are also unconfirmed rumors of a Sunday afternoon poker game at the humble abode of It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, but those have yet to be confirmed.

Until next time!

YJIT

Things That Are Worse Than Watching a Knicks Game

2006-02-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

I felt it was high time to make a post about what was once my favorite franchise in all of sports, the New York Knicks. I know, it seems patently ridiculous now, but in the halcyon days of the early and mid 1990's, I lived and died with every possession of every game, and every Knick playoff loss would nearly reduce me to tears. Now, thanks to the expert management of Isiah "Chester the Molester" Thomas and the brain-dead ownership of Douche Bag Dolan, they've become a sad joke, the punchline of the NBA, with no improvment in sight for the next 10 years. Amazingly, they are so bad, they've turned me off of the entire sport of basketball. And that's something I could never say for the Mets at their worst (think Jeff Torborg) or the Giants (think Ray Handley or Dave Brown). As bad as those teams were, I never lost my interest in baseball or the NFL. Maybe it's because I always felt that Mets and Giants management had some clue of what there were doing, so there was always hope. With the Knicks, both the owner and the GM are completely deranged, so really, there's no way out.

All of which is a long-winded way of posting today's top 5 list. Yes, it's the Top 5 Things That Are Worse Than Watching A Knicks Game. Feel free to add any of your own.

1. Full root canal, administered with a rusty pen knife
2. Doing 15 warm "Darth Vader" shots at Barcelona Bar (that's Jager and Captain Morgan's to you)
3. Sitting through the full run of Britney and K-Fed's reality show with your eyelids pried open like in A Clockwork Orange
4. Saying to our poker group, "I need some tax advice"
5. Watching a YES Newtork puff piece on the 2000 World Series

Top 5 Things I've Learned in the Past 24 Hours

2006-02-06T12:51:00.000-05:00

While we await The Schwizz's grand Super Bowl Recap Post [EDIT -- SEE THE POST BELOW THIS ONE FOR THE SCHWIZZ'S TAKE], I thought I'd fill the space with this inane musing.

1. While Tom's sausage bread tastes great, consuming more than 2 pieces may result in intense gas pains.

2. Coke has now come out with Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. I'm drinking it with my lunch as I type this. Not bad. Grape Coke is next, I guess.

3. The Rolling Stones are old. VERY old.

4. When it comes to cooking mozzarella sticks, Sonny folds under pressure.

5. Stryufadell from Ramona's in Franklin Square tastes good, but leaves one coated in powdered sugar like a coke fiend.

BONUS REVELATION #6: "Dancing With The Schwizz" would make a great reality show.

Steelers, and Silcone/Snoop, and Seahawks, and Puppies Oh My!

2006-02-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

After spending several days in the Super Bowl city of Detroit, and then going to Sonny's yesterday, it was certainly a whirlwind weekend. There were no Michael Irvin sightings, however I did stay at the Seahawks team hotel where I tried to steal the Game Plan/Playbook from Matt Hasselbeck while in the elevator. I also saw such esteemed ABC network stars as Jim Belushi, Kyle McLachlan from InJustice, the black doctor from Grey's Anatomy, and a couple other non-descript individuals.

The highlight was probably the silicone laden Penthouse Party, where Snoop Dog proceeded to smoke more weed than was in the bag from Club Paradise while on stage getting 1000 white people to yell Smoke Smoke. Classic.

After 3 hours on a hotel floor it was back on the Northwest flight home to the beautiful suburbs on Long Island, where i was plied with every bar food known to man (great job Sonny). I think I still have some of Tom's Sausage Bread clogged in myartery (see last post for picture of Sausage Bread).

I would have to say this game had a lot left to be desired. I think I've been more interested in watching the Subway Sandwich artists or the Cold Stone Creationists. Man, who doesn't love a good Caramel Turtle Creation. Jerome Bettis could be the Stay-Puff Marshallow Man, and Bill Cowher turns more tricks than a C-Level Porn Star at the AVN Awards. In any event, it was nice to see the Steelers win, so we can shut my friend Adam Weiss up for a little while.

Thinking that the commercials would help us out we waited patiently, but that really didn't work either. But, then with a glimmer of hope, we found Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl II. Don't ask what happened to Puppy Bowl I, because I haven't been able to find it anywhere on DVD, but this was by far one of the greatest highlights of Super Bowl lore. Who doesn't love a beagle getting his ass kicked my a Pomeranian.

In the end, I left Sonny's with a stomach ache, a small buzz from the several beers I drank along with the remnants of the 18 vodka red bulls I drank the night before, and $500 because I was the lucky schmo who had 1 and zero at the end of the game. Thank god for Mike Holmgren's clock management ineptitude.

That said, today's Top 5 is what should The Schwizz do with his $500.

5. Buy a $500 30 year Savings Bond?
4. Pay off my VIP Star Trek Club back dues
3. Put it towards the child support for my love child in Los Angeles?
2. Trademark "Dancing with The Schwizz", TV's next hot reality show
1. Two Words - Montreal Escorts

Pointless Diversion of the Day - Maybe of the Year

2006-02-03T10:28:00.000-05:00

Do yourself a favor. Go here. Try to make words without having other people steal your letters. Waste time. Lots and lots of time. You won't be able to stop. It's maddening.

How I Spent my Weekend Vacation

2006-02-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

(my favorite sign in the Bahamas)

A few months ago I decided to book a trip for me and my significant other (for argument's sake, let's call her Kristen) for a weekend in the Bahamas. The months flew by and last week, while checking out the website for our little weekend vacation, we found out that our hotel was hosting the "Michael Jordan Celebrity Golf Classic".

Awesome!

So, here is a list of the celebs that we saw, along with a brief blurb.

Michael Jordan- the big man himself was the first person we saw. he had just finished up a round and was walking with some guy carrying his clubs... one second sooner and he would have knocked us down turning the corner by hotel entrance. We also saw him in the casino many time, which should come as no surprise.

Amahd Rashad- We saw him wearing a goofy hat buying cigars with Charles Oakley

Charles Oakley- wearing the same goofy bucked hat in the cigar store... Oak was also seen a few times at the craps table. he was loud and fun. Unlike LT

Lawrence Taylor- Saw him playing $15 Caribbean Stud with a cigar in his hand and a sour look on his face. We were looking for his Super Bowl ring, but realized that it was on some crack dealer somewhere.

Charles Barkley- Had the ladies all over him at the blackjack table

Roger Clemens & wife- she took my spot at a $25 blackjack table after I got my ass kicked. Roger was standing over me like impending death. He's bad luck.

Derek Jeter- cheap-ass tool... playing $15 blackjack. Surrounded by men that I assume he will be pleasuring later on in the evening.

Jim Brown- I thought this guy found religion... but he was drinking, smoking a stogie, and gambling at a high roller table

Fat Joe - This guy had a diamond the size of a 90 year old man's prostate in his ear (as opposed to Jeter who just had a prostate in his ear.

Phil Gordon - he was always around the casino. he was always hanging with David Schwimmer. I feel like I personally know Gordon because I have run in to him at least a half-dozen times at casinos.

David Schwimmer- at first I had respect for this dude because he was hanging with Gordon. Then we walked through our lobby and saw him hanging on a couch with 5 18 year old girls literally bouncing up and down in front of him while he had his most annoying "Ross" face on. I hated him for many reasons.

John McEnroe- Saw the Mac walking through the casino while I was playing craps. I glanced over and caught a glimpse. At the same table, some girl said that Tom Brady was like 15 feet away, but I didn't see him, so I don't count that.

Terrell Owens- Just walking through the casino.... the less anyone says about TO, the better

Cedric The Entertainer- we saw him the most. he was all over the place dressed in his all white linen outfit with white kangol hat. one night at dinner we saw him with his family and some other posse members. Including....

Vince Coleman- yeah, thats right, he is now part of Cedric's posse. To be honest, the only way I recognized him was because his picture was in the program for the golf outing.

Alan Thicke- with a hot blonde that i assume to be his wife, or granddaughter walking out of Nobu, Atlantis. While doing research on how to spell his name, i laughed my ass off at his site. (turn your speakers down)

I should start writing for US Weekly... or Gawker

Chris Penn 1965-2006

2006-01-25T10:39:00.000-05:00

RIP Nice Guy Eddie

Since I spend most of my life at a bar named after one of his most popular characters, I thought it was my duty to acknowledge the passing of Chris Penn. Whether you remember him from Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, Starsky and Hutch or, my personal favorite, Footloose, he definitely had more than “that guy” status. So, in honor of Mr. Penn, I will be at Nice Guy Eddies tonight downing shots and remembering my favorite Nice Guy Eddie moment.

“The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what REALLY happened?”

Oh, and for the record, my favorite Chris Penn moment is this:

Ren: You like Men At Work?
Willard: what men?
Ren: Men at work.
Willard: well where do they work?
Ren: No, they're a music group.
Willard: well what do they call themselves?
Ren: Oh no! What about the Police?
Willard: What about 'em?
Ren: You ever heard them?
Willard: No, but I seen them.
Ren: Where, in concert?
Willard: No, behind you.

Piazza to the Yanks?

2006-01-24T14:52:00.000-05:00

In my inaugural City Vue posting, I'd like to explore the ramifications of Mike Piazza going to the Yankees. At this point in time, it seems to be a real possibility that he will end up on the wrong side of town. If this goes down, there are many questions that will be raised from a mets fan's perspective: Do you root for him to do well? Would you like to see him fail miserably? I think for any long time Met to turn to the evil empire, it certainly reduces their likeability factor down a notch or two. David Cone, Dwight Gooden, Darryl Strawberry...I used to love these guys as a Met, but they are forever tainted (excluding the drug abuse and wife beating). Will that be the case for Piazza, or will his image as a Met go unfaded? I, for one, was never completely enamored with Piazza...I liken him to Patrick Ewing - the star who could carry the team on his back, but lacked that special something, which created man-crushes on all their team's fans, maybe since they did not take their team to the glory land - although I think Piazza was more liked than Ewing. Anyway, even if Piazza is well past his prime, I would still frown upon him becoming a Yank. And of course, it's a no win situation - we'll still hear crap from Yankee fans whether he sucks (Look..Piazza is just bench fodder on the Yankees) or if he does well (see, just needed to go to the Yanks to revive himself). How do you all feel about it? I just hope he ends up with the Orioles...

Greetings from Beaver Creek

2006-01-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

Well howdy, boys and girls (well, mostly boys, since no girls seem to check out this site). I'm sitting in our condo in Beaver Creek, CO, just a stone's throw away from the mountain that's been kicking my ass all week. Tons of snow, decent conditions, but my legs just haven't been up to snuff this week - perhaps as a result of a two-year hiatus from skiing. In any event, life is good over here, excellent food, beer, and I even hopped up on stage with our guitar-playing friend at apres ski a few times and stole his guitar (see picture). The other good news is (as some of you already know) we now apppear to have a wedding date for me and the future Mrs. Yes Joe It's Toasted. Easy to remember -- 7/7/07 in Princeton, NJ. I know, insanely in the future, but that's how this process works I guess. Anyways, that is all for now - I'll be back in NYC tomorrow night, so if anyone wants to watch the championship games on Sunday, I would be willing and able to down to poppers, wings, stinks, skins, fingers, pigs, etc. Let me know. Peace out.

YJIT

Chuck Norris Facts

2006-01-18T13:46:00.000-05:00

I really have nothing to say about this crappy, rainy, unseasonably warm day in NYC... so here is a fun site about Chuck Norris

And a link to a video of Tony Danza reading Chuck Norris a list of facts from the above website.

Yee Haw!

Transistor Radios, Old Men, and other Mis-heard Lyrics

2006-01-11T15:32:00.000-05:00

This should be a fun category, and not just because I'm bored off my ass waiting for my 1-week Colorado vacation to start. I was listening to the radio today, and Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl" came on. This is a song that has always amused me for the sole reason that the line "goin' down in the ol' mine with a transistor radio" sounds exactly - and I mean exactly - like "goin' down on the old man with a transistor radio." Now that I've shared that with you, I defy you to listen to that line and NOT hear about Van going down on the old man. It's impossible.

All of which brings to mind another top 5 category: Let's hear your favorite mis-heard song lyrics, i.e., lyrics you know he can't possibly be singing, but lyrics that your ears inevitably choose to hear.

The Dance

2006-01-09T11:58:00.000-05:00

Yeah I am procrastinating and don't want to write a journal entry for one of my clients. And you thought these celebrities are really writing these things. Yeah, right.

Anyway, the other night my buddies and I were talking about last week's episode of The Office, and were cracking up about Michael's dance, which got us talking about the best dances over the year's on television. I am sure there a ton that I forget, but I am going to list my top 5, and always, all 5 of us on this thing who post comments can give theirs.

Next week we will have a Top 5 on how to get more people to comment on this blog, because I think it deserves more recognition. It's pretty funny at times, certainly moreso than some of these BS political blogs.

I digress. My Top 5.

5) Any dance scene on ChIps
4) The Elaine from Seinfeld
3) Michael Smith's Jungle Dance from The Office
2) The Chicken Dance from Job and Lindsey on Arrested Development
1) The Re-Run - Hands down the best dance

OOOOOh, Rog, you're gonna get it.

City Vue Episode IV- A New Hope

2006-01-06T09:20:00.000-05:00

It is a period of civil war. Rebel Apus, striking from a hidden base in Georgetown, have attempted to win their first victory against the evil Blogger Empire.

So last week, when a few of us were out discussing Napoleon Dynamite, sports, and Mario Kart, a certain someone whined because he does not have rights to post City Vue (or, as it has become known as "THE SCHWIZZ"). I think that it might be time to expand the authoring circles. Since there are a total of like 6 people that read this blog, I think we should make everyone a contributor. Then maybe they'll tell all of their influential friends and we can start raking in the $1.79 a month in ad revenue from Google. Cause it's all about the greenbacks, yo.

Who's with me?

Oh, and just for your amusement, here's another "Name that Caption" contest.

"That WAS my most serious face", Schwizz said after reviewing the digital camera.

Hunting video

2006-01-03T11:08:00.000-05:00

I had to post this video, which is essentially a real-life re-enactment of The Schwizz playing Buckhunter II. Enjoy.

The Chronic

2005-12-26T08:54:00.000-05:00

Post Christmas Treat. I just really like this. I mean I am droppin Hamiltons like Aaron Burr.

Happy Kwaanza!!

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Video/?c=Saturday_Night_Live/snl_1432_narnia&n=saturday_night_live

The TWU and Other Criminals

2005-12-21T12:21:00.000-05:00

There is a great editorial in the Daily News today that really does sum up what I feel about this strike nonsense. I confess I don't really know if their grievances are legit or not, but frankly, I don't care. Cops can't strike, firemen can't strike, EMTs can't strike, and transit workers can't strike. They knew it when they signed up for their jobs. It is one thing if you're underpaid, it's another thing to take a whole city down with you with sadistic tactics like this. Really outrageous.

Having said that, I've had a relatively easy go of it thus far - been carpooling from the UES with 3 other guys from my office (all of whom live just a few blocks from me), and we've been cruising down the FDR, since there's no line to get on at 90th St (the big backup starts higher up, where the cops are checking cars for 4 people one at a time, apparently). Yesterday we got to battery park in like 15 minutes, and today was around 30. Not bad. Trip back was a little rougher last night, an hour door to door.

Props to the judge who are fining these criminals $1 mil a day. If only this Toussaint lunatic had to pay it out of his own pocket. I propose a class action of all NYC commuters against him in his personal capacity when this is all over.

Feel free to share thoughts, stories, etc.

Y.J.I.T.

Of Buses and Crackheads

2005-12-19T14:40:00.000-05:00

So Sonny and I went to the Giants game on Saturday evening - a fine game all around, though a bit chilly up in Section 332. But it was not until the bus ride back until the fun really began. I don't know if the printed word can do this story justice, but let's give it a try.

It all started on the endless bus line outside Gate D (as in Diesel). Sonny and I passed the time spitting sunflower seeds onto the back of the girl in front of us. Eventually, as one bus line turned into ten lines, I had the bright idea of switching from line 1 to line 2, since it looked like bus 2 was going to leave 5 nanoseconds earlier. Not a good move in retrospect.

As we settled into our seats in the second row, we were lucky enough to have two crackheads sitting behind us. Seriously. This couple made Bubb Rubb and Li'l Sis (pictured) sound like Rhodes Scholars. So as Li'l Sis was chatting away behind me ("dub-don' donn'ah do dome, dah dop" is a small sample - I wish I were exaggerating), the bus starts to pull into traffic - whereupon its drivers' side mirror is sheared away by another bus. So Stumpy the Bus Driver, after yelling at the guy to stop, proceeds to call in the incident to his supervisor, and drives on.

That is, until he pulls off the highway ten minutes later and stops at an unknown intersection for an unknown reason in Butt Fuck, NJ. Apparently, he has been told to "stay dere and wait for uh mechanic." This did not sit well with the 75 drunken passengers, who could've been told this fact BEFORE the bus left the stadium, in order to allow them to get on a different bus. Or, as Li'l Sis stated, "doo don' deed do dirrah doo dive dis duss!" Needless to say, druken insults began hurtling from the back of the bus toward Stumpy (my personal favorite: "drive this bus, you fuckin' oompaloompah!!"), who then called his supervisor and told him he had a near-riot on his hands.

It was at this point that Sonny and I escaped from the bus with our lives, desperately flagging down a car from the Butt Fuck NJ Taxi Company to take us into Manhattan. And as we drove into the night, I looked back at the bus, and I could've sworn I heard someone saying "dapp don' dake dah dab dack doo duh ditty!"

Sonny, let me know if I left anything out.

Bored In Denver

2005-12-18T23:14:00.000-05:00

Man, the worst thing in the world could be waiting for a red eye, if you can call it that, at the Denver International Airport. It's 3 and a half hour flight that leaves at 12:55am. Man that sucks.

I just spent and hour in the smoking lounge, because I thought that was the only place that had a TV to watch the football game. But, alas, I was able to find even bigger degenerates at the TV by the food court area, where I was able to scarf down 3 soft tacos from Taco Bell. Ahhh, road food, the best for ya.

Better yet, I am stuck holding my bags, because the Jet Blue people haven't even shown up yet for this godforsaken flight.

I saw a movie this afternoon, and I was reminded of my favorite commercial right now, other than the Miller Lite Flavor Flav spot. It is the Happy Christmahanukwanzakah spot from Virgin Mobile. The two jews and the gay elf are hilarious. Talk about throwing PC out the window this holiday; Hallelujah!

Don't let anyone ever try to tell you that drinking at 10,000 feet is the same as drinking in NYC. A shot of Jaeger hurts a lot more in Breckenridge than it does at Brother Jimmies Esat Side.

The other day I was involved in a DUI when this girl whose brother was driving me back to my hotel got pulled over. Talk about dumb luck in getting a girl to come back to your place. Her brother got carted off to jail, and she got carted to my hotel room. Whatever happened to "Wanna see my CD Collection".

Alright, I'm outta here. I was thinking. Now that we got this site going again, let's try to get as many people reading it again. I mean, it is pretty entertaining, and full of current events if you ask me.

The Schwizz....Out from DIA

Photoshop War

2005-12-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...

The Schwizz-Team.

I realize that posting photoshopped photos of friends is only entertaining for a few people, but I'm a realist and know that only a few people read this blog.

Top this, Tom

2005-12-15T22:23:00.000-05:00

Next week on Seinfeld: No worries, it's all good.

Chester Copperpot and Other Musings

2005-12-15T15:59:00.000-05:00

Sonny Duke forwarded me this great picture of the Goonies cast reunited.

This presents a four-part challenge (Sonny Duke and I are excluded from participating):

(a) Name each person, left to right.

(b) Name the character each individual played in "Goonies" (with the exception of one, who did not appear in the film).

(d) Which of these persons is (no joke) my mom's sister's husband's sister's stepson?

First person to correct answer each question wins a shot of my choosing.

Just Some Good Ol' Boys...

2005-12-14T20:17:00.000-05:00

Never meaning no harm. Although I must say Sonny Duke has a very oddly-shaped head. Must be one of those inbred rednecks.

My Eyes!

2005-12-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

So, I was searching the internet for the sleaziest picture that I could find, when I came across this photo of the Scwizz and Toasty Joe. Apparently it's from a pilot for a late night 70's adult cop drama called "Chips Dips Chains Whips".

You guys look like you're having fun chasing down speeding adult film stars in The Valley. I just wonder how someone so blonde can have such a dark 'stache.

Nice white boy fro, Schwizz.... Alright!

Chips & Other Musings

2005-12-12T19:34:00.000-05:00

Yes, after a long long while, The Schwizz has returned. I was watching TV the other day and I heard that they were making "CHiPS" into a movie and Wilmer Valderamma is going to be cast as Frank Poncherella.

That led me to think why couldn't Danny and I be in this flick. I mean look at the two of us; drunk off Jaeger and ready to jump on our bikes and fight crime. That's safe.

In any event, I think everyone should be able to come up with a Top 3 of who should play the other dude, who no one ever seems to remember. I think that the dude who played one of the Duke boys could step into this role in a second.

I went to this bar in Breckenridge the other night called The Brown Hotel, and it could rank up there as one of my Top Bars ever. Not only did they have Pabst in bottle, yes bottle!, they had bar games galore. From Pinball to darts to foosball to billiards to ping pong to even air hockey. Next Sunday they are having Triple Crown III which is a competition of Billiards, Foosball, and Ping Pong. I mean who could ask for anything better.

That brings to my new and improved Top 5. We always talk about Sticks, Skins, and Wings, but what truly are the Top 5 bar foods. Well here are mine.

5. Skins - add a little sour cream and your golden
4. Cocktail Weiners - yes they are at Blondies and I want them
3. Tenders - I am a sucker for some could tenders with up to 5 dipping sauces
2. Sticks - There is something about getting a good stick and having the cheese stretch out the door of the bar
1. Wings - nuff said, dunzo - we could actually have a debate over best wings in the city next

Later from Breckenridge.

Schwizz

A Great Birthday/Put the Whammy on Alge

2005-12-12T17:39:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to give some props to the folks who showed up at the Gael Pub on Saturday night for my 32nd birthday extravaganza. In keeping with the Schwizz's "top 5" theme, here are the top 5 things about my birthday this past weekend:

1. Possibly the best cake I've ever tasted, complete with a design of a football going through goalposts.
2. Giants win!!
3. Excellent dinner at Penang last night with mom, stepdad, and gf's parents - I recommend the shredded crispy duck.
4. Gift from gf: Season 2, Arrested Development.
5. A win in round one of fantasy football playoffs, assuming Alge Crumpler (pitcured) is held to under 20 points tonight (if he is not, you'll get a teary post from me tomorrow morning).

Caption needed!

2005-12-09T12:01:00.000-05:00

Yes, ladies and germs, THE SCHWIZZ is back on line, and in desperate need of a caption for this picture. My top 5 possibilities are:

1. Somehow The Schwizz was able to overcome his severe allergy to strawberries and press on.
2. "I'm not wearing a gay hat for anyone! Wait, you'll do what??"
3. Little did she know that the hat already matched his underwear.
4. And so Strawberry Shortcake was crossed off The Schwizz's list later that night, right after Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony.
5. Llittle did he know her "freckles" were actually the second stage of syphillis.

What I Want to See During the Postseason

2005-10-05T09:28:00.000-05:00

Time for the second season. Although it sucks that there are a bunch of returning teams from last year, I am looking forward to a few things. So, in no particular order, this is what I want to see.

1. The Rally Monkey- Any primate that jumps up and down like he just smoked a load of crack is ok in my book. All I need him to do is to start masturbating and throwing feces (preferably at Sheffield) like monkeys are supposed to do.

2. Masshole Red Sox fans VS Asshole Yankee fans. I love watching these two fan bases clash. I mean can you think of anything better than watching "Smitty" from southie argue with Paulie and his "boys" from the Bronx (actually Paulie lives in Westchester, but his family was raised in the Bronx... or so he tells everyone)

3. Giambi's head popping off. I mean, this guy has injected so much shit in to his system, I'm just waiting for his head to explode like in Scanners

4. The White Sox getting to the series. Man, I'd love to see the best team in the AL make it to the series... and win for the first time in a LOOOONG time.

5. If the White Sox don't make it, I want to see Houston and Boston so Clemens can go in to Fenway and pitch a perfect game.

6. More boobies. I mean, this has nothing to do with baseball, I just could always stand to see more boobies.

Feel free to post comments on what you'd like to see during the playoffs... or just post comments yelling at me for dissing your team (or for posting links to gratuitous pictures). Go (white) Sox

The New Fall Season

2005-09-21T12:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, here is a list of shows that I want to start watching. It's been a busy week, and I haven't had time to watch any of them yet, but I have a few of them on the DVR (my girlfriends).

1. My Name is Earl - When I originally heard about this show, I thought it would be awesome, then the previews started and I'd rather stick a hot poker in my eye than see another one of those "interrupting an old lady in the middle of a Dodgers game" commercials. I still have to give it a chance, despite the NBC marketing department's annoying ploy to make me see Jason Lee in my sleep.

2. Lost - I don't watch this show. I am a loser. In my attempt to cool myself up a bit, I have borrowed the DVD set and plan to start watching season 2 as soon as I am done with season 1. I have already programmed it in to the DVR.

3. Kitchen Confidential - The book is a favorite of mine, therefore I was pissed when I heard that Fox was going to make a fictional show based on the non-fictional book. But, I am oddly curious and it has great "buzz" around it. (yes, I said buzz... Yes, I am playing right in to their hand)

4. How I Met Your Mother - It has Doogie in it! I bet he's not doing blow off of the back of a stripper like in Harold and Kumar, but nonetheless... DOOGIE!

5. Everybody Hates Chris - I have my doubts on this because it's on UPN. Does that make me a racist?

Mrs. Piazza, Tom Glavine, and Fantasy Football

2005-09-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday turned out to be the perfect day. Not only did a few of us get to sit in the sun and watch Glavine pitch a great (although meaningless) baseball game, but we also got to sit a few rows behind Mrs. Mike Piazza herself, Alicia Rickter (by the way... this link is definitely NOT safe for work). That's right ladies and gentlemen. That is a photo taken from my hi-tech camera-phone of the former Playboy Playmate's posterior. I don't know how Danny got in that picture, but he was giving the "Dio Rules" devil horns all day. It was just that kind of afternoon.
After the game, we headed on down the 7 line back to the big city, where we basked in the glory of a dozen or so big screen TV's to watch football. By the way, if anyone is interested, I came across this list of Fantasy Friendly bars. All of which are equipped with free WiFi "where you can eat and drink well, then gloat about nabbing LaBrandon Toefield the moment Fred Taylor's groin snaps off the bone. Again." I propose a downtown Lucky Jack's trip one Sunday.

A Wonderful Day

2005-09-12T07:40:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to write something real quick today about yesterday, the 4 year anniversary of the World Trade Center attack.

Yesterday, if you just take the sports happenings (which many people pay attention to) was just a fitting way to spend this Sunday. In addition to watching the moving ceremony (which I always make sure I do) in the morning, I then proceeded to hang out with my friends to watch football all day.

Here is what happened yesterday. The New York Football Giants won at Giants Stadium. The New York Yankees beat the Red Sox at Yankee Stadium. Andre Agassi (USA) almost became the oldest winner of the US Open, played at Flushing Meadows, NYC. The Washington Redskins beat the Bears 9-7 (uggh) in DC. And, the New Orleans Saints beat the Carolina Panthers in a come from behind win, when everyone had said they would fold like a cheap suit in the aftermath of Hurrican Katrina.

I know it might sound trite and pithy, but I can't help but think that these players and these fans on these teams had a little something in the back of their head yesterday that spurred all this on. I think rememberance and adversity make you do funny things. And in this corner of the world, on one important day, it was pretty cool.

New Contest

2005-09-07T12:49:00.001-05:00

Ok. I need Top 5 People who actually engage in this move. Could be a type of person or actual person.

Here is my Top 5

5) Richard Dawson
4) Liberace
3) Jack Tripper
2) A Gay Clown at Ringling Brothers
1) Charles Nelson Reilly

Who does this?

2005-09-07T12:49:00.000-05:00

Fun With captions

2005-09-06T15:04:00.000-05:00

Since neither Schwizz nor I can think of anything to write about, I propose another "Caption Contest".
I'll start it off:

"S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y
...Safety Dance"

Chillin' like Gilligan

2005-08-26T13:20:00.000-05:00

So, Toasty Joe sent me an IM this morning stating that the Mets are "gellin' like Magellan". I, of course, replied that they are "on a tear like a steak medium rare". That reminded me of a 12 page word document sent to me by someone who will remain nameless that outlines every simile in Beastie Boys lyrics. ("Like the bun to the burger - like the burger to the bun, Like the cherry to the apple - to the peach to the plum", "The girl is crafty like ice is cold").

So, in honor of the gellin', medium-rare Mets, I have a game for today. I am going to try to work as many asinine rhyming similes in to normal conversation today as possible. I can't wait for my 2:00 staff meeting!

It's on like Donkey Kong
I'm out like a trout with the gout

The Great Debate - Hostess v. Drake's

2005-08-24T11:39:00.000-05:00

Now we all know we are pretty much a country divided down the middle. Republicans and Democrats, Pro-War, Anti-War, Yankees, Red Sox, the list can go on and on.

What I realized last night is that this same debate goes on between what I like to call The Snack Cake Wars. Sure, we don't think about this too much anymore with everyone on their Atkins or North Beach or Men's Fitness, Self Magazine diet/weight training regimen. But no one can deny that craving every now and again for a tasty snack cake.

For some that craving lies with the likes of indomitable figures likeTwinkie the Kid or Captain Cup Cake from Hostess, whilst others swing to the annoying dark side of those shoddily packaged tin foil wrapped Ring Dings, Yodels, and, the worst, Devil Dogs from Drake's (yes their website sucks)

You see where I am coming from. I am a man who is not afraid to eat a Sno-Ball, a conglomeration of sugar after sugar that you lose two teeth by just eating one. I am not afraid to admit that I signed this petition to bring Chocodiles back to the East Coast.

So the question is, where are you going to stand in this equation. The decision is sometimes compared to the importance of nominating Supreme Court Justices. It is just a matter of morals and decency that we stand for what is right in this country, a good piece of sponge cake with granular cream in it with a shelf life of 100 years.

The Schwizz's Top 5 Hostess Products
5) Sno-Balls
4) Suzy Q's
3) Golden Cupcakes - yellow cake with chocolate icing and filling? Genius!
2) Twinkies - The Kid, nuff said
1) Chocodiles - they only sell them west of the Mississippi now, because of lack of east coast consumer demand

Just remember on thing in this battle of baked goods. Hostess was so much better than Drake's that Drake's parent company, Interstate Bakeries bought Hostess in 1995.

The Schwizz

What time is it?

2005-08-22T15:26:00.000-05:00

Ironically, while I was on hiatus in New Zealand the past week, my friend told me she had seen Conra Kai Sensei John Kreese at the supermarket in Beverly Hills.

Also, you will be able to catch the famed Johnny Lawrence, aka William Zabka in 2006, in a movie called The Hard Corps featuring Wesley Snipes, and none other than the worst action hero actor next to Steven Segal, he incomparable Jean-Claude Vandamme.

So I heard it was Monday here, but I am living in a Tuesday world after having returned from the other side of the world yesterday. If you can ever get to New Zealand, it is worth the trip.

Top 5 Items in New Zealand

5) Wool
4) Wool
3) Wool or I guess you could go with Sheep here
2) Venison
1) Lamb

Top 5 Facts About New Zealand

5) Filmed Lord of the Rings and have tours to the different places scenes were shot
4) Filmed King Kong there - I could see by the 100 foot waterfalls they have
3) Appetizers are called Entree's and Entree"s are called Mains, get it straight
2) Bungy Jumping originated there
1) They have really good beer

And now, back to reality, what fun. If anyone has any entertaining or great new stories about NYC, please share.

just to keep this blog alive...

2005-08-16T12:49:00.000-05:00

... i figured i post something sent to me from Rao. I give you
Sweep the Leg and Wake the Gimp; The Johnny Lawrence Story

Keep It Classy San Diego

2005-08-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

Ahh yes, San Diago. Settled by the Germans in 1904, the translation was lost for several hundred years. It means "whales vagina".

What a place Huntington Beach is by the way. I have never seen more fake tits, since my last trip to Scores. That marine layer is definitely not caused by the smog from cars, but from all the hair products the girls and guys use. It was like I was in a bad 80's Ratt video. But man were these girls hot.

And, yes, Laguna Beach really is that way. What a phenomenal town. Newport Beach missed out by a nose, frankly, because it was the cougar capital of the world, but good times had by all.

If anyone gets out to the OC by the way, make sure you hit up Sushi Island in Costa Mesa. Yet another on my growing list of epic hole in the wall sushi joints. I really need to write a book.

Back to the NYC though. Man is it frickin steamin. You could cook white rice in this crap. If anyone is up for grabbin drinks Thursday, I'm available. It may be an inside deal though, because our drinks might melt.

Never watch the movie Hide and Seek with Robert DeNiro. It is a horrible horrible movie.

Well, back to the grind. Tom, i think i got like 6 of those covers. Nina, I got 94% of the states. If anyone wants a little afternoon get out your aggression, you can always check out this. I'll post the Spear Throw tomorrow.

Keep it Classy World. I'm The Schwizz?

Contest

2005-07-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

This has kept me busy for most of the day. Log on today and see how many albums you can name. At first glance I knew 26 of them... after some wasted time here at the office, i am up to 36. I can't wait for the answers to come out tomorrow. I really can't afford to be spending this much time on crap like this ... or like this, but the web seems to suck me in. By the way, the last link is an easy game to beat, but i can't seem to stop playing it... probably because of the DJing lizzard's dance.

How's the surf Schwo? when you're done with this are you going to wing on over to London and jam with the Stones?

Musings From the Day

2005-07-26T02:17:00.000-05:00

I ran across a great game the other day. It is called Donkey Conga. I think everyone should check it out. It could be the most amazing evolution of a game since Amercian Idol evolved into So You Think You Can Dance.

I was passing by a Taco Bell the other day, and harkened back to the times when i could scarf down like 7 of those soft tacos. I was thinking I might be able to put back 3 at the most these days. I wonder hwo many everyone else could put down. maybe we could have a soft tack eating contest instead of Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest.

I actually got an explanation of the airline crosscheck at the end of the flight. I though it was just a hard check in hockey, but apparently it is when the flight attendants go across each other to see if the other flight attendandt's door is secure. But that got me to thinking of all the other stupid airline terms. If anyone has any they would like to share, please do.

Six Words - Laguna Beach - Back to the Beach.

Two books I highly recommend - Freakenomics and Kite Runner

I know I just can't stop highlighting the virtues of Wedding Crashers, but I heard another really good movie is Crash.

If anyone wants to take the Karaoke thing a little further, there is a thing called Movieoke below Two Boots Pizza on AVE A and 3rd street. Apparently they let you act out the scenes as they play right behind you. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Well, I'm off to Huntington Beach for the best surf event of the year. Speak on that later.

Two to One that Huey Lewis Wins

2005-07-21T14:35:00.000-05:00

Because I find it amusing that people (particularly Europeans) will bet on anything, when i'm bored, I surf around some international online bookies. Well, during today's travels I happened upon the best money lines and odds bets that I have ever encountered. Apparently there is a "Karaoke World Championship 2005" web site... and even better, you can wager on it here.

I find it extremely hard to believe that Ireland is a favorite at 6-1, and I have to say that I am ashamed of the US for their poor showing at 20-1. Of course, the Cinderella story has to be that Iraq (35-1) is able to participate this year without the pressure of the old minister of sports. I am intrigued and need to find out if there is a website that has past performances on file... or at least keeps stats. The Finland based KWC website has some great pictures of the 2003 and 2004 finals. I am starting my training for KWC 2006 right now...

Just a smalltown girl.... livin' in a lonely worrrlllldd. She took the midnight train goin' annnywhere!

Count Chocula

2005-07-20T14:44:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I saw Wedding Crashers the other night, and it could be the best stupid move ever. What a great cast, great dialogue, and just all out piss your pants funny (no really, I did piss my pants).

Well, in one of the lines, the great Count Chocula was mentioned, and I was able to find this cool site on not only Count Chocula, but that whole line of Monster Cereals. I hope you enjoy. And with that, not to be left out, is my Top 5 Childhood Cereals.

5) Rice Krispies
4) Cap 'N Crunch
3) Apple Jacks
2) Life - gotta go a little healthy
1) Cocoa Puffs - yes, I am cuckoo

Steroids in the Workplace Instead of Baseball

2005-07-18T12:11:00.000-05:00

I was just thinking about the fact that so many baseball sluggers have had horrific years so far this year due primarily what seems like the "steroid issue". These players who mesmerized and entertained us for the past several years now seem like the belong in some second rate slow pitch softball league somewhere in Ohio.

I mean think about if this were the case in the "real" workplace. Take Sammy Sosa for instance. Halfway through the season he has 9HR and 29 RBI's which would project for 18 and 58. Last year, which wasn't even his best, he had 35 and 80. That is almost a 50% reduction in HR production. Jim Thome has 7 and 30. last year he finished with 42 and 105. That is a 66% reduction. Now I asked you, what would happen to your job if your production declined by 66%. You'd be sitting in Grand Central Station hoping to break into a cement bucket drum band to make some cash.

So I think the baseball players should just start taking steroids again. It is a lot more fun, I'll tell you that. I mean look at Jason Giambi, he is back on them probably and now Yankee fans are rejoicing in yet another 3-1 series win against the Red Sox.

I heard Wedding Crashers was a good movie, which made me think who are the Top 5 Stupid comedic actors of our time.

5) Owen Wilson
4) Will Farell
3) Chris Farley
2) Vince Vaughn
1) Adam Sandler

I learned this weekend that a) 5 years ago it was 2000, and b) man, did everyone look younger. I was able to watch some great videos my friend Jay had made, and man were they great. I couldn't believe that they had gotten a New Year's Party together at their APT where everyone wore suits, but I could believe that even after 5 years, we are all still pulling the same stupid stunts we pulled back then. Cheers Jay.

The Schwizz

Why the internet rules.

2005-07-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

Today I found out two bits of information from the internet. First off, there is a game out there called Korfball. Apparently it's some co-ed basketball like game that has been around for years but is gaining in popularity in Europe.

I still don't really understand it, but according to a promotional video that I downloaded from the link above, Korfball:

is played in more than 40 countries around the world
encourages cooperative play
promotes gender equality and "controlled physical contact" (heh)
apparently encourages unattractive people to wear soccer jerseys and run around a lot

The other cool ass thing that I learned from the internet today is that you can bet on anything... including the World Korfball Games.

I think there should be a new sport called Dorfball. I don't know how to play, but am open to suggestions. It should involve some sort of tossing.

Caption Contest

2005-07-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

OK, let's try something new. Today we will have a "caption the photo" contest. Whoever comes up with the best caption gets much hot monkey love from the ninth avenue prostitue of their choice*. Have fun.

*hot monkey love from a ninth avenue prostitue is hereby defined as "absolutely nothing except the pride in a photo well captioned"

Action Figures Rule

2005-07-08T12:40:00.000-05:00

So, while surfing around this morning I found this site. It's an article about stupid toys. I definitely need one of those Isaac action figures for my bar at home. I wonder if it has a button that you could push to give the "double gun salute". It's like kung-fu grip... with soul.

I was also surprised to find out that COBRA used the Cobra Pogo Ballistic Battle Ball to fight the Joes. I am outraged that COBRA would stoop to the level of blatantly disregarding the Geneva conventions as they pertain to misuse of short range Pogo Ballistic Battle Balls. What's next??? Some sort of Trubble Bubble? Where does it end? Won't someone think of the children???!!!

Happy 6th of July

2005-07-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, you have to love the 6th of July. That day that you have finally gotten back to normal from consuming about 144 bud lights, and 40 bratwursts all weekend. The day that you realize, yes, you do have a job, and actually should start working again.

What i did realize this past weekend is that it is pretty cool not to have any TV, internet, cell phone service, or really any communication for a couple days. It was amazing how many important things I missed. I mean Luther Vandross died. Apparently some lady Sandra Dee retired from a court, and George Bush is giving the same speech that he was giving in 2003.

London 2012!!! Thank god that's over. Did anyone really want to travel out to Flushing for the Opening Ceremonies? Yes, us Mets fans would have felt so much of a sense of pride that these global games would be celebrated in our home stadium, but its Flushing.

The Yanks are only 4 games back now, and will probably take first place over right after their 4 game set with the Red Sox in two weeks. I mean you can set your watch by this stuff.

I was thinking last night about all the Mr. Met references we had made, and realized we neglected to celebrate any of the other mascots that are near and dear to our hearts. Thus I give you my Top 5 Mascots.

5) Bernie Brewer - I mean he slides into a beer stein after home runs
4) Buzz from the Charlotte Hornets - man could that guy dunk off a trampoline
3) Mr. Met
2) The Philly Fanatic
1) The San Diego Chicken

Happy Fourth of July

2005-07-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

In honor of the holiday weekend, I have compiled a list of the five lamest "fireworks".

5. ladyfingers - nothing but a "pop" and thats it

4. morning glory- a sparkler with some flare

3. sparklers - 'nuff said

2. smoke bombs- totally annoying unless they are thrown on the field during a kickball game in Brooklyn

1. those ash snakes... how lame

Discuss.

Fireworks, Hot Dogs, and Flags Oh My

2005-06-30T18:24:00.000-05:00

I plain out love 4th of July weekend. My three favorite days of the year are St. Patrick's Day, 4th of July, and then my birthday. Speaking of my birthday, I have been told that this year is my Golden Birthday. Apparently I turn 31 on the 31st of July, which I think is even more special, because it is the last possible golden birthday you can have. So shouldn't that be like my Titanium Birthday?, because I think Titanium is better than everything. It is like Rock, nothin beats Rock.

I have been reading this site lately that I really like. It's called McSweeney's. I always get a kick out of some great satire.

Anyone catch that finale of The Real Gilligan's Island? What a bad bad show. I heard they just had to cancel "Welcome to the Neighborhood", because it basically showed a bunch of white people freakin out when gays or Blacks moved next door. I guess that isn't suitable for Network TV. It was supposed to celebrate our differences. Sometimes, differences are better left uncelebrated I guess.

For all who were wondering who that hot chik was in the background of Goldberg's Bar Mitzvah picture, it was Tanith Belbin. She is one of those crazy ice dancers who we found while looking to cast some TV show we are working on. Two words, Hott.

I was walking into the subway yesterday and saw a subway ad for J Date. The tagline was "Where it Happens". I 'd like to know where what happens. Torah Study?, expensive dates with limos and no pay offs?? It was the stupidest ad I had ever seen. Oh, and also for all you Christians, there is always Big Church. We are an equal opportunity blog here.

Everyone have a great 4th. Tom is your party Sunday or Monday? If it is Monday, I might be able to make it to reenact the famous "Lenin Incident".

Peace out.

Meet the new Mets... same as the old Mets

2005-06-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

With all of the blockbuster trade rumors flying around, this item was missed.

Mr. Met passed the torch yesterday to Condi Rice. Ms. Rice will take over as Mets mascot starting with the next series against the Marlins.

Rice was quoted as saying "I know my head is slightly smaller, but that won't stop me from performing my duties".

At press time, Sonny could not be reached for comment.

Knicks Suck

2005-06-29T10:59:00.000-05:00

All I can say today is that the Knicks are pretty bad at drafting. Who is Nate Robinson? I would have rather taken Master P with that pick. Now he was a pretty good player.

Mets won, Yanks lost - nuff said. That Brian Roberts is pretty damn good.

Roger Federer is a really good tennis player, probably the best ever. He should win Wimbledon again.

Anyone catch that Bush speech last night. Guy is starting to sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown cartoons.

I found a picture from Goldberg's Bar Mitzvah. He's the one on the right.

So a quick list of shows to keep you occupied during the summer weeknights

5) The Scholar
4) Hells Kitchen
3) Rescue Me
2) 30 days
1) Real World Austin - yes I don't care if I am almost 31 - Joanna and Melinda are sooooo hott

Boring News Day

2005-06-28T10:56:00.000-05:00

Absolutely nothing at all to comment about today. I mean, there's the good fight that Paula Abdul is fighting. I mean, it's no "dance off" like she did with MC Scat Kat back in 1989, but it'll do.

Mr. Met asked me if i had heard about "Zombie Dogs"... I personally like the Post's "Franken Dog" headline better. Didn't anyone see Pet Sematary?

If you wanna find all the cops they're hanging out in the donut shops... I think the headline for this should be Stereotype Happens

Being a degenerate gambler, I think the reason that internet was invented was for this. My favorite is the Bush threesome. I don't know about you, but when i think of a Bush threesome it doesn't involve George W and Jeb.

Weekend Review

2005-06-27T12:41:00.000-05:00

What a great weekend. Good weather. Great Sports (if you are a Mets fan), and as always, good drinkin and eatin.

I was in Vermont this weekend playing golf. There are three things that are really really good in Vermont:

1) Cheddar - great on burgers
2) Syrup
3) Bacon - it is always apple smoked and man is it good.

Adding to the bands from Friday, check out Donovan Frankenreiter. Sounds like Jack Johnson, but is really good. Even better he is a pro surfer. I met him a couple weeks ago and he couldn't be nicer.

Yes, it has been confirmed, my friend Sonny is Mr. Met. An unbelievable job getting the team psyched up for this season by the way.

So I just saw the preview for the remake of The Bad News Bears. I am just not to sure about this one. I mean Walter Matthau. And no one can replace a pre-coked out Tatum O'Neal.

This weeks a big week as if you are lucky to get Friday off you have two four day weeks of work. Always a good thing if you ask me. Unfortunately I will be missing my buddy Tom's Rooftop 4th of July cookout above Red Square.

I will be in Cape Cod wearing pants so loud I might just have to kick my own ass. I will go to one of the greatest Happy Hours you will ever go to at the Improper Bostonian. This guy named Jim Plunkett (no not that Jim Plunkett) plays all afternoon, and it is incredible.

Peace out.

Cool Stuff That I Discovered Over the Past Month

2005-06-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

So, I figured that going in to the weekend, I'd list a few cool things that I discovered over the past few weeks. So, in no particular order:

Galvanize by the Chemical Brothers with Q-Tip
Brazillian Girls- the band, not the indigenous females of the South American country (not that I have anything against actual Brazillian girs, but thats a whole other post)
Feel Good, Inc. by Gorillaz
The Lonesome Doves ... I don't know how to describe them, but i caught them at a C-N-B-CN show this week and had a blast

I also discovered that I don't care that the Spurs won and I watched less than 30 seconds of the NBA finals- combined.

The most important discovery of the past 24 hours is that Tom Cruise apparently knows more about psychiatry than Matt Lauer, which means that Tom Cruise knows slightly more about psychiatry than the coffee stain on my desk.

Go Mets!

New Banner

2005-06-23T13:50:00.000-05:00

First off, thanks to Schwizzle for knighting me with "guest contributor" status. As my first order of business, I am calling to the floor a vote on the new logo at the top of the page. Feel free to leave any coments and/or suggestions.

Since this site seems to have a good portion of it dedicated to Top 5 lists, here is my list of Top 5 things that I hate to admidt that I love:

5) Coldplay

4) Tom Cruise and his new beard... i mean fiance (it's like watching a train wreck)

3) Xena: Warrior Princess reruns

2) Finding the movie Bio-dome on late night cable. I mean, come on... Pauly Shore, a Baldwin, and that guy who played Dick Thornberg in Die Hard...thats a winning combination

1) Lindsay Lohan as a coked out sleazy party girl

Afternoon Nostalgia

2005-06-22T16:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry for being a little delinquent on the updates.

Was just talking to a friend earlier and it made me think of a New Top 5. We were recounting the great stories and episodes of that great 1970's hit and 80's rerun blockbuster "What's Happening". I mean hands down just a class act of a show. The cast was terrific, the catch phrases awesome...."No Roger No ReRun No Rent!", "Ooooh Rog, you're gonn get it".

The point that was made was that every episode was the same yet we still watched it every day after we came home from doing whatever it was we did in the afternoons after school. It never failed, the suburban white kids had a block of reruns from like 5-7 like no other. I mean did any of us ever even watch these shows when they were in Primetime?

So with that, I give you my Top 5. i think we could even do a Top 10, so if anyone wants to chime in with that, more power.

The Top 5 1980's After School Re-Runs
5) Facts of Life - one word, Blair
4) Different Strokes - Whatchu Talkin About Willis?
3) What's Happenin? - The Greatest Fat Jokes ever told, and how 'bout that ReRun dance
2) Saved by the Bell - trite story lines, and predictable outcomes, but Jesse and Kelly??
1) Three's Company - I mean who wasn't waiting for that Chrissy on Janet lesbian scene

So there you have it. We could get into the hour long shows like A-Team, and Knight Rider, and Batman, but that is just a whole other discussion altogether.

News & Notes
I work right next to Madame Teuseau's and yesterday they had Michael Jackson out front. yet there was no little boy next to him...surprising.

I was watching a story about that teenager in Aruba, and one of the guys in custody was named van Der Loot. I mean first rule, never hang out with anyone named van Der Loot.

Can anyone tell me what the Yankees are smokin?

Holzer's Birthday Party is tonight. I heard he did a mass email on JDate.

Yet another great story on front page of Yahoo! - Brain Cells 'Recognize' Famous People. Now that's awesome

Where in the World is My dinner?

2005-06-13T23:45:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson was found not guilty today counts. I mean at least give this guy a fine or some probation for being guilty of being a complete freakshow. I am sure now just in time for Xmas Michael will release a new album self titled just "Michael". It will sell a billion copies so he can pay for all his legal bills, and of course some pending civil suit settlement.

I learned today that Katie Holmes is going to convert to Scientology. I mean can someone please tell me what the hell happened to this cute little girl who used to be on Dawson's Creek. i heard that next, Pitt and Jolie are going to get married and take up the Kaballah.

Oh yeah, and something happened with the war in Iraq today, but I just can't remember, because I've been bombarded with who is going to be the next Food Network star or who is going to win that dancing show.

I am just wondering if it is that important that we are so thoroughly entertained so we can forget about whatever important things are going on in the world. if we spent as much energy on keeping up with all of these "real life" shows as we did on actually caring about the real issues, shit might actual get done.

A new Top 5 includes Top 5 Burger Places in NYC

5) Tuesday Night Burger Night at Waterloo Tavern
4) McHale's
3) Corner Bistro
2) Burger Joint at Parker Meridien
1) JG Melons

Keep it Gangsta.

Jewtopia Now!

2005-06-08T14:22:00.000-05:00

First things first. I saw GlenGarry GlenRoss tonight and what a great show. If anyone hasn't seen this movie (featuring a jumped the shark Al Pacino), i suggest you go out and get it. A great cast put on a great show, and it was great. Liev Schreiber plays the incomparable Richard Roma and it was quite enjoyable.

While perusing the Playbill's listing of shows, I ran across a little show called Jewtopia. the tagline was "A jewish Man searches for the perfect jewish girl". Made me think of two guys named Holzer & Goldberg. Maybe they should check it out. Maybe they'll meet some nice girls there.

A couple of suggestions for people:

1) Watch The Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel. If you have DVR, do it, you won't be disappointed

2) if you want a thoroughly random drunken evening of drinking manhattans, rob roy's or cosmos for the girls, go to bemmelman's bar and see loston harris. a unique experience you won't forget

3) I heard the boat basin has been open for a little while now. i think everyone should go there one Saturday afternoon.

For all those that had other suggestions for sushi, that was just MY top 5. while sushi samba does have a nice upstairs, soetimes the tradeoff between fanciness, and just the taste of good fish is not all its cracked up to be

Observations

2005-06-07T14:28:00.000-05:00

The Scholar on ABC is a pretty good show. I like a good show that has quizzes on it, and preys on the emotions of poor smart kids. There definitely will be some good drama on this summer hit.

Liverpool should be in the Champions League next year. They won the title and should be allowed to defend it. If it means having a play-in game between some team from Turkey and Alabania, then so be it.

I am kind of sick and tired of rich hollywood types a) catsigating the media for making up stories about them, and then b) talking about how everyone should be doing more in Africa. First of all, your whole life is make believe, so shove it. Second, why don't half your $20 million per movie and donate it to the Sudan. That should make you feel better.

The subway is really hot in the summer. That is why I have started taking the crosstown bus.

Enough Danica Patrick. Sure she's hot, but you can't even see her in her racecar. Now, bikini in a dune buggy, that might work.

My favorite thing on the Yahoo! Front Page is that little random article about the weirdest thing you can possibly imagine. At this very moment its Seattle Tops list for Wireless Web Access. That's informative stuff right there.

Lists

2005-06-06T19:27:00.000-05:00

Today we post several Top 5 Lists for the week.

Top 5 Best Bachelor Party Locales
5) NYC
4) South Beach
3) Las Vegas
2) Montreal
1) New Orleans

Top 5 Reality TV Show of All Time
5) Survivor
4) Laguna Beach - The Real OC
3) Temptation Island
2) Amazing Race
1) Paradise Hotel

and

Top 5 Sushi Restaurants in NYC
5) Haru
4) Sushi Zen
3) Bond Street
2) Sushi of Gari
1) Poke Restaurant